


A Sweet, Close Burden

by fourthduckling



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Conversations, Demonic Possession, Drama, F/M, Guilt, Guilty Castiel, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Possibly Pre-Slash, Pre-Slash, Shippy Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-04
Updated: 2013-09-04
Packaged: 2017-12-25 15:49:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/954924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourthduckling/pseuds/fourthduckling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel finally meets Lisa Braeden in the broken landscape of her mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Sweet, Close Burden

**Author's Note:**

> Why did Cas and Lisa never meet? It makes me sad.
> 
> Thank you to caffeinechesters on Tumblr for being my beta.

The space inside Lisa's head is in ruins.

Ben's had been better. Damaged, but not broken. Lisa's is rubble and smoke. Castiel hates it. Hates seeing strong people (people loved by Dean) split into pieces. This is what happens when a demon leaves a person. This is the hollowed-out shell of forceful removal. Some never recover. Some are instantly invaded again. Sometimes, it's more merciful to kill them outright, though Castiel doesn't like to admit this. But Lisa is beloved, and Castiel intends to do exactly as promised.

She's there in her own mind, sad and soft. This is not how Dean thinks of her, and Castiel will never let him know what he saw. It's a very small betrayal.

"You're him," Lisa says when she looks up.

"I'm Castiel." He doesn't say _Angel of the Lord_. Making a deal with Crowley means he can't. He knows he has to win the war in heaven, knows he must make himself a monster to do so. But he won't lie and pretend he's an emissary of God. Not any more. He is the angel of himself now.

"That's what I meant. Dean talks about you. I mean... did. Sometimes. When he talked about that kind of thing, which wasn't often. He had to be very drunk, and his tolerance for alcohol..." She glances over her shoulder. "Where are we?"

"In your mind."

"What?" Lisa takes a breath. "I.... didn't think..."

"The demon that was in you wounded your mind. The things you experienced due to its corruption are what broke this place." Castiel reaches over and touches the side of what might have once been a house. Maybe she grew up here, or maybe this was the house she first lived in with her son. He can't properly heal her from this experience. The human soul is so intricately connected to the human mind that it is too easy to get lost. Even at the height of his power, repairing mental illness without destroying part of her is next to impossible. _God made humans to suffer_ is an ugly thought, but Castiel thinks it anyway. "Dean asked me to remove your memories." Even if he could fix her and still leave the memories there, he wouldn't.

Dean asked. It's simple enough.

"My memories of what?"

"Him," Castiel says. And he means everything. Their meeting, Ben's replacement, the sweet familial love, the year they spent together.

She's silent for a moment. The emptiness of the air is hollow and cold. "Ben, too?"

"I've already healed him." Ben had cried when Castiel told him what Dean wanted. This, too, is something he will never tell. It's somehow a worse betrayal, not to let Dean know how much he was loved. But he should never know how much it hurt Ben to lose him.

Castiel is steeped in untruths.

"Good," Lisa says, because as much as she cares about--loves-- Dean, she loves Ben more. It's a beautiful thing, her love for her child.

He should have cured them with a simple touch. But there is a part of him that knows exactly how dark his heart has become. Castiel knows how much he needs ( _wants_ ) punishment for doing everything he's been doing. He hates this. He hates leaving Sam and Dean. He hates killing angels. The only thing that keeps him going is the thought that when he is done, he can stop in the Impala's wide back seat and stay forever surrounded by half-packed bags and rock salt. After they die, he can move their souls to a paradise that he will protect for eternity. That, too, will be a kind of penance.

"Please don't think that I want to forget Dean. But this? All of this-- I can't. The fairies were one thing. But I can't be his mother and still taste the demon on my tongue." Lisa looks tired. "I will always hate that he..." She stops and looks at Castiel. "How do they do it?"

Castiel looks at her curiously.

"How do Dean and Sam go through all of that?"

"They're warriors," Castiel says. It is a thing that binds them together. A sense of shared duty. It is one reason, too, that he feels more connected to Dean than to Sam. Dean is a born warrior. Sam is not. He doesn't like to think about it, but he doesn't understand the younger Winchester.

"They're human," Lisa counters. "Human beings are irreparably damaged by constant war. That's why we only send troops off for certain rotations at a time. We try to let them come home. Dean has never had that. Sam, either." There's something like pity in her voice. Castiel thinks that perhaps it's fear, too. "I just don't understand it."

Castiel can't imagine a life without fighting. He's a creature born of need, of God's requirement to protect humanity. _All_ of it. People speak of guardian angels like they are there to watch over one person at a time. They couldn't be more wrong. An angel is constantly on guard for all of humanity, wrecking war from the deepest places of hell to the highest parts of heaven for them. Castiel was created by God to protect an entire species.

What was Dean Winchester created to protect?

He sees Lisa, picking through the rubble to find some part of herself not ravaged by the demon. And this-- he realizes-- is exactly what Dean was made for. "He does it for you," Castiel says. "To protect you, and people like you. To protect choice and individuality."

Lisa smiles, and it's tired. "I know."

She wants this. Castiel can see that. Wants to forget. He moves over to her side, fingers outstretched to work his grace into her heart and brain and neurons and soul.

"Wait," she says, just before he reaches her. Her eyes are serious as she looks up at him. For a moment he sees in her what Dean does. "Since I can't take care of him any more, you should." Her lips press together. "You need to. His heart as well as his body, Castiel. It's _important_." The word is heavy in her mouth.

It's a huge burden, but one that he's already been carrying. He dragged it up from hell, through time and across vast regions of space. Dean is a sweet, close burden that Castiel doesn't know how to leave behind. "I know," he says. His metaphysical stomach turns over with the sick knowledge of his deal. If he can finish it-- if he can end it-- Dean and Sam will be safe. The new, strong Castiel will protect them from heaven, hell, Purgatory, and everything in between. He will be their shield, their weapon, a shining beacon welcoming Dean home from war.

This is what he wants.

"Promise me," Lisa says.

"I will," Castiel says. But it feels like a lie.


End file.
